Fighting the Journey

So I’ve written and published my first book—what now?

It’s been three years since I’ve published Into My Mind and as I look back on that time I was in eternal bliss. Sadly I can’t say that I feel the same way today. Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t lost my passion for writing. And I’m not giving up on my dream to become a successful published author. But reality has left me kind of jaded. Then again, working minimum wage jobs with a college degree and being in school and medical debt can do that to you.

Sometimes I wish that I can get that feeling back—young, naïve, and hopeful. As the rejection letters from literary magazines and the lack of success of my writing career thus far, I’ve been naturally second guessing myself. Am I allowed to call myself a writer—or an author for that matter—if I’m not completely successful at it? Are you even a writer if you’ve never been published? I guess that’s like asking the ancient question, what came first the chicken or the egg? So what came first the writer or the published story? Ok maybe that last was a little obvious, but you get what I mean.

I just feel with my lack of literary magazine publications and the lack of ground that my book has made so far, I can’t really call myself a true writer. At least at times I don’t feel like it.

So what keeps me going? It’s the feeling I have deep down within myself that tells me that I am meant to do this. No matter what set backs or disappointments I may face, I keep getting back to writing. I know that one day all the hard work and dedication will pay off. Until then I just have to keep the fight on the journey.

—Jana` Chantel

Lost Passion

Let’s be real our relationship isn’t the same. When people ask about us I pretend we’re ok. But let’s face it we’ve been growing distant now. I know it’s got you feeling bruised and confused, you’re wondering how. Now I’m sitting here reminiscing on how we used to be, how our words use to sound like a beautiful symphony. Writing saved my life; and since the spark has left between us I haven’t been feeling right.

You were my natural high, you kept me faded. But life right now has me feeling jaded. I don’t like the position that I’m in. It’s got me feeling like my dream is about to come to an end. Young woman with a college degree, working two minimum wage jobs—barely got time for sleep. I feel like my dream is slipping away, but you’re always there to tell me that everything’s ok.

Things are not the way I planned it, right now I should feel like I’m soaring to another planet. I should’ve won a Pulitzer Prize by now; I should be plotting on how to win a Nobel Peace Prize somehow. Instead I’m sitting here with regret; like my journey to pursue you should be something to forget.

But you’re in the back of my mind telling me that it’s not over yet. Every relationship hits a snag somehow, you can’t be happy every year round. You have to hit the ground in order to soar high; we’re in this together baby, ride or die. But sometimes I feel forsaken by you, I put in endless amount of hard work and you seem to never come through. 

But that’s still no excuse as to why I’ve shown you neglect and I know there’s a part of you that is feeling upset. Like, how dare you say that I’ve never came through; when you were down and lost who helped show you the truth? Who helped you feel like you can make it? Who helped show you that no matter what life has thrown at you, baby you can take it? I was the drive for your college degree; how can you ever feel like you wanna turn your back on me?

I’m ashamed to admit it, but the passion is lost. I guess I’m paying the cost—of chasing a dream and losing my belief in you. Look at all the things that we’ve been through. I look down at my marriage finger, where I tatted your name. I sit back and reflect on that day. My first book came out, and at that time I had no doubt about us. You were the only one I could trust.

 So we made a decision to say I do. I swear I felt immortalized when I was with you. But lately I’ve been feeling more human—feeling more cynic, feeling more resentment. But let’s face it, my heart belongs to you. And I can’t imagine creating another life that doesn’t revolve around you. So I declare that we give this another try; let’s stop going on pretending and living this lie. And I swear I don’t know what brought this on. I guess it’s me sitting here listening to all of these Drake songs.

 We can get back at it again. Because you’re not only the love of my life, but you’re also my best friend. So let’s get back at it like before because you’re the only one that I truly adore. I hate feeling this lost of passion. It’s too early in my career to become a “has been”. Because writing save my life and through all our ups and downs, I’m still proud to be called your wife.      

Freewrite

One morning while standing at the bus stop a guy and a couple of ladies approached me. They wanted to warn me to be careful because a guy just got robbed at the bus stop earlier that morning. All I could think about was that guy who got robbed. And I wondered why someone would rob someone who was at a bus stop. So that inspired me to write the following. I’m not sure if this is completed and I have no title for it yet, but I feel that the message is clear enough. I hope you all enjoy.

 

Take a look around the hood and you’ll notice that everything costs more; it’s just the tax of being poor.
Allow the wealthy to catch deals; give them a chance to maintain their mills.
But this is just the way of our society, the unwritten laws on how it be.
Leave the broke robbing the broke—leave no room for hope, no room to grow; just the desire to get up and go, turn your back on the poor.
And this is our world and this is our America.
“Hardships will better ya,” is what a rich man will say to ya.
“Let’s not give these bums our time, let’s pretend that we’re blind—to their suffering.”
“And when we’re in a need of a little clarity, write a blank check to a charity. And although the minorities are now becoming the majority, let us show them that they are still a minority and white is still the thing to be.”
“Let us cast them as thugs, hoodlums, and lawbreakers; and let us still look down on them even if their well-educated.”
“Let us feed them lies and tell them that they can never make it; and let us throw obstacles until we eventually break them.”
“Let us be the background villains and display all of them as killers, let us be the “victims”. And when they come through the justice system, let us be ridiculous by giving them a life sentences—our new form of slavery.”
“And let us ignore our history that are documented in books; let us forget that we’re the original crooks.”
“Let us pretend that we’re moving forward, while secretly holding them all back, by having the essential needs being something that they lack.”
“And we’ll keep all of our wrong doings on the hush and we’ll pretend that we don’t know such—things. And our intentions couldn’t be any clearer; we’re nothing but some ghost villains.”

White Lies

Lie to me, tell me that everything is good; tell me that everyone’s experience is that of those in the hood.
Tell me that here the cards are being dealt fair and that everyone here really cares.
Tell me that everyone is getting an equal piece of the American pie and that everyone is strugglin’ to make it by.
Yeah, continue to tell me lies, cause I can’t fathom the idea of living in a world of inequality; knowing that others are better off would have me thinking how can this be—how are they better off than me?
Aren’t they human like me? Don’t they breathe air and bleed red just like me?
So tell me what I want to hear, tell me that equality really does exist here.
Tell me that there’s nothing but peace and love; tell me that there is no such thing as recreational drugs.
Tell me that poison isn’t flooding the streets and leaving our people broke, tired and in defeat.
Tell me that this isn’t the way it has to be, yeah continue to lie to me.

Tell me that everyone is starving and that there aren’t people with scraps that can feed nations; tell me there’s no such creation.
Cause I need to be naïve, your lies I need to believe; so keep telling your white lies to me.
Tell me that no one cares about the color of your skin and a world of racism isn’t something that we live in.
Because I can see modern day nooses and Jim Crows; so lie to me, tell me that everyone’s minds have grown.
Tell me that ignorance doesn’t exist; my dire need for innocence is leaving me in a state of bliss.
You see I need to believe that everyone is good and life treats you fairly like it should.
I need you to tell me lies, even though I know it’s not right, I just need to remain blind.
Cause living with the knowledge that I know, it makes it harder for you to go, to grow—with life; growing up with injustice just ain’t right, so what I need you to do is just lie.

Tell me the right lies, by telling me white lies.
Because right now I need to hear white lies, so tell me white lies.
Tell me white lies.

Drug Dealer

Yesterday I met a drug dealer who told me he was going to save me, he told me he was going to set my soul right and let my mind roam free/He said “sit back and pay attention, make sure you really listen cause I’mma show you how to rise above these streets”/He told me always have a dream and one day when I gleam, remember to always remain a bright and humble star/Never conform to society and be proud of who you are/I said “isn’t ironic and a little bit of illogic that you tell me not to conform and look at who you are”/“You flood poison into the streets and leave our people in defeat—is this the type of person you really wanted to be”/He said he takes full blame for the man that he became, but he was going to correct his ways through me/I looked into his eyes and saw that there were no lies and decided that I will let him try and save me.

And it all started with a drug dealer, with a drug dealer/It all started with a drug dealer, with a drug dealer/Who knew that one day he’ll be my healer, the drug dealer/And it all started with a drug dealer, a drug dealer.

Yesterday I met a drug dealer who told me he was going to save me, he told me make sure I be all I can be/He said he never put any pressure when selling his poisonous treasure, but to learn the power of no, to avoid becoming a fiend on the streets/I asked him did he ever know that his decision of selling dope would leave so many broke, lost and without hope/He said “what you gotta understand is that it was all about supply and demand” and to play to his advantage with the cards that was in his hands/He came from a poverished home—and like many on his turf—he chose the path where he belonged/He said “but let’s get you back on course, by taking you off course and leading you to somewhere that no one has ever gone”/“Remember at times it can get a little rough, but I know that you are tough, so always remain strong”/“Because I’m determined to see you make it to the top, and I swear that I won’t stop until I’ve corrected my wrongs.”

And it all started with a drug dealer, with a drug dealer/It all started with a drug dealer, with a drug dealer/Who knew that one day he’ll be my healer, the drug dealer/And it all started with a drug dealer, a drug dealer.

Yesterday I met a drug dealer who said he was going to save me, he showed me what type of woman that I can be/He said “you don’t even realize how many temples I’ve vandalized, it’s needless for me to say I was far from a good guy”/“When their money was a little low, they would put on a little show, I would take advantage and hit it, leave then let them go”/“Always respect your body, demand nothing but respect, and if he can’t give you that, leave with no regrets”/“Carry yourself like a lady, live like a Queen, dream and always believe”/I said “I don’t understand, why do you wanna save me and determined to see my mind and soul unchained and roaming free”/He said “I’m trying to get things in order, for you my little daughter, I’m trying to pave a way for the world to know your name”/He said “I’m trying to get things in order, for you my little daughter, I’m trying to pave a way for the world to know your name.”

And it all started with a drug dealer, with a drug dealer/It all started with a drug dealer, with a drug dealer/Who knew that one day he’ll be my healer, the drug dealer/And it all started with a drug dealer, a drug dealer.

New Post Next Week

Greetings everyone!

I hope the new year has been treating you all very well. My writing break is drawing to a close and I have some wonderful things to share with you. I’ve been hit with a lot of ideas and different ventures and I can’t wait to share with you all. So just hold on tight just a little bit longer. A new post will be coming to you all next week.

 

Until then,

Peace and Love.

 

Jana` Chantel

A Brief Writing Break

Hello Everyone,

As I start working on my goals for the new year I’ve realized that it is leaving me a bit stretched and sadly I am experiencing a case of writers block. So I will be going on a writing break. I plan on posting something new on March 5th (or maybe sooner). In the meantime, I encourage you all to revisit my older posts, like the video posted below.

 

Stay encouraged and inspired everyone. See you on March 5th.

 

Peace and Love,

Jana` Chantel

New Year Goals

Happy New Year Everyone!

I wish everyone prosperity and happiness this new year. Set goals for yourself and achieve them. I have set many goals for myself this year and hope to achieve as many as I can. As the year progress I plan on sharing these goals with you. In the meantime, enjoy the fact that we are all blessed to see a new year and the positive possibilities that is to come.

 

Peace and Love to all,

Jana` Chantel

False Home

Welcome to my home, where the needy and the greedy roam/Where my president is black and serving his second term, and rich white men are screaming we need to start a revolution/Where the American Dream is obtainable, with a lot of work being the solution/But here the cards ain’t being dealt fair and where some are living the dream, others are living the nightmare/Now tell me is it fair that I gotta run, jump and soar just to see the lifestyle that others get born into?/And they can’t even imagine some of the things that I’ve been through/And they can’t even phantom the things that I’ve gone without, they’re oblivious to what the financial struggle is all about/But these are the things that they don’t publicize, they just cover up the BS and tell us lies—and this is what I call home.

And this is what I call home, where foreigners long to be/To be living the American Dream in the world’s greatest country/My false home, my false home/Where the poor and the elite roam—my false home.

This is where I reside, where the government is nothing but a system that is filled with corruption and lies/Rich men got politicians in their pockets and screaming out let Americans prosper/While ignoring the poor and the needy and don’t mind being a little greedy/They grew up with Ayn Rand’s ideology “greed is good,” while looking down on those who reside in the hood/And it’s every man for their self and there’s no sharing the wealth, you’re getting by if you’re standing in good health/And these are the cards that most Americans get dealt with/Living in a society where the top percent are selfish/And this is what we call America—and this is what I call home.

And this is what I call home, where foreigners long to be/To be living the American Dream in the world’s greatest country/My false home, my false home/Where the poor and the elite roam—my false home.

For the Dreamers

Hello everyone,

This week I just wanted to share some encouraging words to my fellow dreamers out there. As someone who is chasing their dream, I know how tough the journey can be. Sometimes you start to second guess yourself and sometimes it feels like you aren’t getting any closer to your dream. One day, when feeling a little discouraged, I came across this quote by Randy Pausch. This quote immediately uplifted my spirits and encouraged me to work harder.

So here it is for you all: “The brick walls aren’t there to keep us out, the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

 

Uplift your spirits with this quote and with the song below.

 

Stay encouraged,

Jana` Chantel